What we are up to

Wimbledon Live-Blog (continued)

by Nick Holloway

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19.05 Murraycam backstage: yes, like most of our most brilliant sportsmen, Murray is a boring bastard. He's using the same program the commentary team use to spit out clichés. He should speak in Robert Burns style dialect to mix it up a bit. Through to the third round, though! And I'm off to the bar for mine.

19.03 Not that he's just turned 100. She sent him a good luck message, I mean. Or one of her lackeys did.

19.02 It's all over! Murray has won. The crowd are standing up and cheering. Andy must have flashed them his telegram from the Queen.

19.01 'That was a wicked slice,' Pat Cash is saying. Obviously the cake is going down well in the commentary box. He must have the munchies.

18.56 Gulbis trying to fight back in the third set. Murray conceded a set to him when they met at the Artois Championships last year, so it's possible this match may go on longer than he'd like. But only just.

18.46 Plane going over head now. Funny that, as Wimbledon isn't on a flight path. The pilots must be flying over to try and get a look. Someone should write 'Do a barrel roll' on Court no.6.

18.42 McEnroe is joking about whether the roof will work or not come tomorrow's forecasted storms. Oh yes, John, it will work. Right up until the point it crushes you like the Wicked Witch of the East.

18.35 Couple of people in the crowd with only half their faces painted. Risky business on such a sunny day. When the paint comes off they're going to look like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.

18.26 Pretty soon tennis will just be two robotised stepladders firing balls at each other. Probably not even that. Two robotised stepladders doing Pilates. Hawkeye is just the thin end of the wedge.

18.17 A few shouts of 'Come on Rafa!' from the crowd. What game are they watching? Possibly the live feed from the Beeb has become scrambled with last year's tournament. Lord knows the commentary sounds like an worn-out old tape. Or maybe they've started sampling phrases from old matches, which a master computer can deploy automatically. Like Motty on Fifa '98.

18.08 From the BBC skycam we can see that Wimbledon Park Golf Course is used as a car park during the Championships. Take that golf! Tenniz rulez.

18.03 McEnroe is insulting bricklayers. That's OK. Their brothers in the roofing industry have rigged Centre Court's new cover to fall apart and kill him right after the Men's Singles final.

17.52 Murray is sponsored by Royal Bank Of Scotland, I've noticed. I'm rooting for him a little less as of now. Perhaps he can swing it to have my overdraft paid off. Tight bastards.

17.47 He's more like Station in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, actually. Why was Station the only Martian in Heaven? I suppose the rest are in Hell after that nasty War Of The Worlds business.

17.42 Muted response on Centre Court as Ernests leads two games to one. They might get a bit more excited if they knew the young man from Riga - like Quato in Total Recall - was two beings in one, hence the S on the end of his name.

17.33 I just want to point out that I did not say I believed a young Roger Federer, having had a vision of his defeat by Murray at Wimbledon 2010, arranged for the Dunblane shootings in 1996. I can categorically confirm I did not make that allegation.

17.23 Here we are at the Andy Murray match, where he's about to take on Ernests Gulbis of Latvia. I don't think it's by accident this match was scheduled for the evening - the All England Club and the BBC have clearly put their heads together on this one to guarantee a big audience share. It also makes live-blogging a bit pointless – if you can watch it at home after work, why would you bother following it online? Although – seeing as this blog is more about snide remarks than describing the action – I don't think that applies to us.

14.20 Hewitt v del Potro is looking like it'll take all afternoon, but it is amazing stuff. Kunitsyn v Roddick just getting going, meanwhile, as is Safina v De Los Rios. I'm getting going too, to the post office. Bell me if you need some stamps. Will be back later for the Murray match.

14.08 McEnroe has also played Pavarotti. Imagine the grunts when he served! Vincerò!

14.01 McEnroe is just recalling celebrity tennis with Meatloaf. I'm trying to think of a witty headline to go with that one: 'I'd do anything for love – 40', perhaps.

13.45 Actually, maybe the umpires are like tall Daleks. At the end of the day they just drive off in their chair and exterminate some ballboys. That's a shit Russell T Davies script waiting to happen right there.

13.35 I wonder if the umpires have a little table they can slot onto their high chairs so they can have their dindins. They should be allowed to ping peas off a spoon at any players who get shirty with them. Although the players would probably just volley them back at dangerous speed.

13.20 You can spot the sunsafe Aussies in the crowd a mile off. One chap is wearing two baseball caps and a nose guard. It's strangely bling.

13.13 I may have heard that last anecdote wrong.

13.06 Juan Martín del Potro is about to meet 2002 Wimbledon champ Lleyton Hewitt on Centre Court. McEnroe is telling his Franco Davín anecdote where the floodlights go out and him and Davín end up snogging.

12.54 Mathieu v Berdych on Court no 2. Mathieu is 'getting into Berdych's meat and two veg'.

12.40 Sam Stosur would be a great name for a hardbitten detective. Not sure what the All England Club's policy on trenchcoats is, though. Probably Players, firmly off, Streakers, firmly on.

12.24 A nice ease into the day with Sam Stosur vs Tatjana Malek in the Ladies Singles second round.


    • Bob

    I expect the telegram was from Lord Chief Admiral Bumservant, Thane of Primark, Master of the Queen's Rt. Hon. Marmalade.

    He usually deals with her correspondence.