What we are up to

Dog Days #6

by Nathan Jones

Dog Days is a serial about the plight of a dog walker, Richie Pen, and Kenny, his dog.

Dear Bob,

Do you want me to leave you then? Is this it? Shall I turn up my runny nose at your stupid body and go back to that damp flat? Burden myself back up and get drunk and angry? Send all my friends round tidy, with tip-offs about your top ten things to do on a Sunday? Do you hate me?

Of course not! What a lovely weekend we had, wasn't it Bob. “If Poirot be the food of love then put a BBC TV play on.” Barbels. And Calderstones park of all places. Oo wasn't it clean, Bob. No-one will believe that lady had to wet-wipe her white one after Kenny had rolled about with him. Who wet-wipes a dog? But it was perfect for your mum's birthday. You can tell a great weekend when you have a nice anecdote from one occasion to get you through the conversations of the next.

I imagine that this is the life of the ambassadors – telling stories about dinner parties at champagne functions. It can’t go on forever though. Like eating your own leg to stave off hunger. I'm not saying your mum is gullible.

And as for Sunday? Well a nice clean about in the hallway and kitchen, cooking and talking about Las Meninas, while I get a little tipsy on a robust Shiraz. You delicious Nigella-type Thai or Eastern bloc bride you, you Sister Wendy, you immaculate dalmatian-pointer cross, Bob!

About that ball we found though. It is too spitty, Bubbles. I took it out to throw for Ken today, and it left grey rainbows in the sky.

Come home and wring me fingies.


Richie Pen and Kenny Ren