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Dog Days #10

by Nathan Jones

Dog Days is a serial about the plight of a dog walker, Richie Pen, and Kenny, his dog.

Dear Bob,

It's like being a hairdresser, or a customer of one. I have this line that goes, Well, that's the summer over then. It's a good one, especially when the sun has just gone in and it is April. They can either just grunt non-committally and carry on watching Kenny lick their bitch out, or start to talk about the weather. I love talking about the weather, Bob, when all the usual dog questions have dried up. It is the great unifier, which is an opinion of mine that I got in the Sunday supplement.

I had a haircut today. I had a haircut like Brett from Neighbours. No I didn't. I had one like the barber I always go to always gives me. I sat down and I said to the barber, Well, That's the summer over then. And he said Fuck off, as if I was cursing the summer or something. That is an answer I hadn't heard before, but still my little ice-breaker didn't go down too badly. It is light-hearted and leads to nothing conversations.

I always want to be in these conversations, Bobbleton. That is why I am so disappointed in myself for saying 'Faux pas' when I asked those people in the campsite for a corkscrew. If indeed it is a faux pas to forget a corkscrew when you are on a romantic camping holiday, it is a double faux pas to say What a Faux Pas to people who don't know what faux pas means. They looked at me like I had just walked over and said “Give me a corkscrew. Do you know what a corkscrew is, plebheads?”

Luckily Kenny was there to drag me out of that hole, going O, ello. [Wag wag] Ello, what's this then? So they can go What sort of dog is that? 

Then you're alright.  All my 'Richie Pen' moments neutralised.

He ate half a pigeon today, and looked very guilty indeed. Like a fatty, sprung by the pantry at midnight.

I know it's sunny, but you still have to drive safe.

Love you,

Richie Pen hsbc. and Kenwyn Roberts esq.