What we are up to

A Wimbledon Live-Blogging Experiment

by Nick Holloway

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17.00 The commentators are just saying what a lovely day it is. I'll be kicking myself if the Federer result isn't as predictable as I think, but I'm not going to stick around to find out. Like they said, it's SUNNY out there! Off to the park...

16.44 John Barrett's poison of choice is clearly booze, comparing Michaël Llodra to a nice Australian wine. I estimate he's on his fourth bottle of the same, as he seems to have forgotten that Llodra is French.

16.40 Pat Cash is explaining different types of grass to John Barrett. Insert pot head joke here.

16.26 Oh, the Dragonlady has won anyway. Tail-tweaker Groth is now a metaphorical lump of smoking charcoal.

16.21 The Groth v Serena Williams match is more exciting. I'm sure I won't be the first to say how dry Federer's matches can be. What we want is more giant-killing. Actually, the BBC is likening Williams to a dragon whose tail is being tweaked. No woman would like to be called a crusty old serpent, I'm sure, but kudos for continuing the D&D theme from the other game.

16.10 Lettered tee shirts in the crowd spell GOROG. Don't know what this means, but I presume it's some sort of goblin deity. Good to see the Dungeons & Dragons crew getting out in the sunshine. Which is more than can be said for me.

16.08 Eight games in 27 minutes. Federer's already steamrolled through the first set.

16.00 Long lingering shot of a woman in a Federer tee shirt. The way it rides up under her boobs makes him look like a Spitting Image puppet.

15.45 Rusedski and co are just commenting on how the new Centre Court roof can be partially extended to give the crowd some shade. How civilised!

15.33 Federer is about to start a match against Guillermo Garcia-Lopez. No jokey name opportunities there. Just serious tennis. The crowd are imitating the wails of Azarenka on Court 2, meanwhile. Too much Pimms and sunshine, I think. But what's their excuse?

15.20 I wonder if Fish has a 'special move' called the Fish Slice.

15.12 Its over! Djokovic is off to the changing rooms and into the next round. Where he'll play Mardy Fish, no less.

15.08 John Lloyd is 'still here', despite having held his breath for a good six minutes. He must have been a pearl diver before he was a tennis commentator.

15.02 What a final game! Djokovic is serving for the match, 5 games to 4 in the third set. Greul is giving it away.

14.57 Greul does not have a firm smash, the BBC team are saying. It makes sense given his watery name. He needs to use cream and butter instead of milk, I think. And real potatoes.

14.51 Commentator John Lloyd is just admiring Djokovic's smile. He's playing some 'lovely, lovely' tennis apparently. Although not just now, as Greul has the advantage. Neither have the advantage of a sensible name, however.

14.46 Djokovic is leading Greul 3 games to 2 in the third set. It's two sets to love. Greul is obviously not playing his best tennis because his name sounds like a thin, unappetising kind of porridge. Someone at the BBC obviously thinks this too as they've spelt his name 'Gruel' on

14.42 Just watching Dulko versus Sharapova. Bruce Forsyth is in the crowd, good game, good game. The commentator is talking about Dulko's intensity being sucked out of her using a pipe. I think it's been blasted out of her, actually, as Sharapova's shrieks have reached a jet liner level of decibels.